Vidya Balan: “It took me a long time to overcome this shame that I felt about my body”
She had me at the edge of my seat fighting the urge to scream as Manjulika, a spirit looking to avenge her lost love in Bhool Bhulaiyaa (2007). She made me want to lose my inhibitions as she unflinchingly danced her way through The Dirty Picture (2011). And recently, she made me embrace my complexity through her portrayal of the passionate and sometimes irrational mathematical genius Shakuntala Devi in the eponymous film. That’s the thing about Vidya Balan and her character choices—she doesn’t play them, she is them. And they are a force to reckon with, much like the woman herself.
“I live my dream every single day,” says Balan, her voice ringing through my phone—strong, soft, self-assured—from her Mumbai home to mine. “I’ve been drawn to acting since the age of eight. I’m glad it worked out for me.” As she talks about her craft, this prodigious performer, a Padma Shri and National Film Award winner, is more Alice-in-Wonderland (curious and yearning for excitement) than established hall-of-famer. She shares, “To walk in another person’s shoes for a while, wondering what they must have felt or how they reacted when confronted with a certain situation, is what I am fascinated by.”
Woman proposes, God disposes
It’s no surprise that Shakuntala Devi, her first feature release in a pandemic-stricken world, became a hot topic of conversation on WhatsApp groups, grocery bump-ins and Zoom calls—the 2020 equivalents of coffee-shop meetings and water-cooler gossip. According to Balan, it’s the strength of Devi’s complex character, fondly known as the ‘human computer’ and a prolific writer who wrote the first academic book on homosexuality in India, that is behind its success. “She is the most complicated character I have played so far. She was this passionate genius who was also childlike, impulsive and possessive. It’s so difficult to define her, I love that.” The film premiered in the thick of lockdown (releasing on July 31 on Amazon Prime Video), and was adored by critics and audiences.
Now that she’s tasted success on OTT, I ask if we can expect to see her headlining a series next? “I’m excited to try the longer format on these platforms. But I am commitment-phobic, so unless something really blows my mind, I’ll be happy doing the two-hour film,” she says. As of now, her days are busy with over 20 virtual interviews a day, even as she preps for her next film, Sherni, about animal-human conflict.
Her life in lockdown, like all of ours, has been about the juggle. She says, “I started cooking at the age of 41 during lockdown—something that’s always intimidated me and I detested because I felt kitchen meant domestication. I also cleaned the house a lot. I discovered that I can be very self-reliant, especially as an actor when you’re used to having someone always attending to you.” From fixing meals to light bulbs, she confesses enjoying her time at home, sharing these experiences with her husband, the producer Siddharth Roy Kapoor. Her biggest learning, though, over these last few months: “There is no point in planning. Woman proposes, goddess disposes!”
Easy path, real goals
Cracking the math shows (or magic shows as Balan touts them) might have been the toughest part, but Balan’s aha moment came way before the lockdown. Up until The Dirty Picture in 2011, she played it safe. “Silk Smitha was my opportunity to challenge myself and break out of my comfort zone. You learn something from every character. A skill, a life lesson, or both. Every character heals some part of me. She liberated me completely. The role made me accept my body in all its bigness, and allowed me to be able to see beauty in that bigness.”
Away from the DOP’s lens, it’s her realness that has trumped preset beauty and fashion standards, “I am not someone who is fashion conscious. I’d say I don’t even understand fashion. But yes, I have my own unique style. I guess everyone does, but I’ve had the opportunity to discover it and I’m glad. For if not for sticking out like a sore thumb in the ‘supposed-to-be’ mould, I would have probably never discovered it.”
The journey to becoming the woman who plays by her own rules today came with its own set of teenage drama. “I was a shy, introverted girl because I was fat. I wanted to be invisible. By the end of my teenage years, I lost weight by gymming, but also did some stupid things.” When the zit community paid an unwelcome visit, she drank ten litres of water a day, hearing it was the remedy to clear skin. “I puked every day, only to receive a verbal bollocking from my mother and sister when I was caught. After, I didn’t dare to drink more water than I needed. It took me a long time to overcome this shame that I felt about my body, but thankfully, that’s a thing of the past now.”
Balan has, over the years, become a body positivity champion by just being herself. She says, “I love it when people, especially girls and women, embrace their bodies and beings and are comfortable in their skin, walking with swag, whatever their size. That’s so powerful.” Not letting the crowd drown your inner voice is imperative, she says, “Besides, the crowd doesn’t have a unified voice. How many voices are you going to listen to?” For Balan, the easiest thing to be is yourself: “I am just too comfortable in my own skin, too stubborn even to want to try and do anything that makes me uncomfortable, so I’ve just chosen the easier path.”
Also read:
13 pictures and videos that take you inside Vidya Balan’s earthy Mumbai home
5 looks from Vidya Balan’s Indian wear wardrobe that will inspire you to upgrade your own
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