My wife rarely instigates sex – and always wants to schedule it. Why can’t she be more spontaneous?

My wife and I have been married for nearly 10 years. We have three children and love each other dearly. We are a good team 99% of the time, but we regularly argue about our differing libido levels. I feel she doesn’t instigate sex very much and that when she does it’s with messages like: “Shall we have a 3pm ‘meeting’ before the kids come home?” I prefer it to be more spontaneous, like after she’s had a few glasses of wine and suddenly becomes more racy. I’ve let her know how exciting her racy mode is for me, but I don’t want to encourage her to become an alcoholic. She feels that I think about sex all the time and that I am not accepting of her feeling tired or not being in the mood.

After a recent argument, we agreed we have different libido levels. She said she felt hers had gone down, especially after our last child was born. I’m conscious that neither of us need to be “fixed”, but equally I struggle with being the instigator most of the time and with the intense shame and rejection I feel when she says no. I don’t want her to feel forced into anything; I want her to feel comfortable with me. She says she enjoys sex with me, but doesn’t always feel that her body is sexy, something I very much disagree with.

Have you gone out of your way to show her you disagree with her about this? Body-image problems can seriously affect a person’s libido. If your wife can be helped to feel attractive again, her libido will rise. Practise positive reinforcement: compliment her often about the way she looks, especially in non-sexual contexts. Regarding her planning of sex, many people would love to have more spontaneous sex, but find that reality tends to interfere. Scheduling sex is a very good idea for busy, stressed people and it is your wife’s way of initiating lovemaking. She is letting you know when she is likely to be in the mood and that this is the best she can do for now – outside a long vacation. Go along with it.

Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.